If you know me very well, or maybe not much at all, you might know that I cry about 3 times per year. Don’t get me wrong, I experience my emotions intensely. I’m a true empath, and I carry my burdens hard. I love hard, and I also feel hard.
I just don’t cry though 😂
It’s honestly kinda weird… I can feel like I’m crying (like emotionally) but my eyes don’t follow suit and make water come down my face. Instead, my chest feels kinda like it’s caving in, and it’s hard to breathe, and I just feel my emotions on a really intense level. I know I’m not alone… I’ve met people like me lol but I’ve also met people whose tears flow so naturally and beautifully in the most wonderful expression of feeling and raw emotion.
The world doesn’t like tears. People who don’t cry are called strong, and those who do cry are labeled as weak. I think that’s crap.
(Pre-Pregnancy) On the off chance that I would find myself crying, it was either one of two ways… I’m completely overcome with my emotion to the point of crying and feeling like my eyes won’t ever stop leaking. Or, it’s one teardrop and a ton of chest tightness with a lump in my throat. That first kind of cry is incredibly healing and therapeutic, and the second type is underwhelming.
Since becoming pregnant, I feel like my eyes and my emotions and hormones have all finally synced up – I feel whole. I cry all the time. Honestly. I’ve cried more in these last 6 months than I have in the last 20 years, and it’s wonderful.
I hear a beautiful worship song, and I bawl my eyes out.
I think about his little tiny fingers and toes, and I absolutely lose it.
I get lost in the idea that God would graciously offer me one of His children to raise as my own, and well I’m now pulling the car over for full on 20 minute meltdown.
I’m not kidding! The other day, between the time I ordered my Starbucks decaf latte (who am I kidding, it was a half/caf) and getting to the pick up window, I had heard the lyric, “what a beautiful name, the name of Jesus,” and I completely lost it. The barista was super concerned when I rolled up with tears streaming down my face, and I just laughed and said “don’t worry about me, I’m pregnant… it’s the hormones.”
These tears I’ve cried over the last several months have been so welcomed. Unexpected, absolutely. But welcomed, none the less. I feel like for the first time in my life, my heart and soul is fully connected to my body. It’s all working together, and I feel whole. That’s a word I continue to use when describing what pregnancy and motherhood have felt like on my journey. These new found tear ducts add to that experience.
I used to only cry when I was deeply and emotionally wounded. Now, I’m getting to experience the emotional release of feelings and hormones through tears in the most fulfilling and satisfying way. I’m kinda hoping this isn’t just a pregnancy fluke and that my happy tears will stay with me throughout motherhood. In a way, it’s kinda freeing, and I’m about that.
Did you have any strange emotional moments during your pregnancy? Did your tear ducts suddenly start working like mine have? If you’re a full on mama now, did the tears stay? Let me know in the comments 🤍
xo – The Happy Tears Mama