Today’s post is one I prayed I would get the chance to write one day, and I am absolutely bursting at the seams to be living out a real dream come true. God has remained so consistent in this whole journey, and I want to begin by saying that I give Him all the glory, honor and praise. He is good now, He was good years ago when I asked Him to make me a mother, and He will continue to be good for eternity because He is unable to be anything less than absolutely, infinitely good.
-Let’s take a rewind –
I wrote this next part at the end of August, so the wording is definitely not in real-time. I was 6 weeks along, had only known for 1 week, and my soul was already bursting with joy and love.
It’s been one week since we found out we were expecting, and it has easily been the best 7 days of my life. As I sit in wonder and awe of the little being inside my belly, this is truly the best feeling. Aside from having waited and prayed for years that this day would come, what makes it the best is how clearly I can see that this is God’s timing for a new life to begin.
I’ve kept a journal each day so far, and in it, I mention what I prayed for that day, what I’m grateful for, and if I’ve experienced any notable pregnancy symptoms. I don’t really think of them as symptoms though, that seems like a bad thing.. They are more like indicators that this is, in fact, happening, and life is in fact happening within my being.
I’m not yet showing as we are very early in the first trimester, so one might think it would be easy to forget or maybe I randomly have an “ahha” moment where I remember there’s little baby growing inside of me… That’s not the case though, as the first thing I think of in the morning, before even opening my eyes is the miracle within my being. Talk about rising with joy in the morning; I’ve never loved mornings more than now because I wake up each day knowing that I am living out a divine purpose.
Becoming a mother is something I have dreamed of for as long as I can remember, and although it was hard to imagine, it is definitely already so much better than I ever dreamed. The morning sickness, moments of dizziness, and waves of fatigue are all indicators that something truly amazing is happening. I remember my very first indicator was a bout of dizziness, and once I steadied my self, I remember laughing because it’s just so unreal that this is actually real. It feels like a dream that I don’t want to arise from, but when I pinch myself, I realize it’s my life, not a dream… I’m already so in love with this little one.
So, it’s been 1 week, and the shift into motherhood has easily and seamlessly already begun.
I am fully embracing all that this season of life has for me, and I’m intentionally making time to recognize and express gratitude in each and every moment. In my first week of motherhood, I had some really intimate conversations with God, and I think this might end up being the best part of this whole process. I really believe at the end of these 9 months, I’m going to know God deeper and more fully than I could have ever imagined. What’s really cool is that just a few weeks before finding out, I reached out to God and asked Him to come closer. I made intentional decisions to seek Him out, and I started committing more time to Him through prayer, devotion, and in meditation of scripture. Before even knowing, I was already realizing that I would need more of Jesus in this season, and He is being so gracious with me and showing up daily, giving me so much peace and something I’ve been calling a “subtle calmness”.
Here’s some realizations I have had this week:
1. First off, I realized I’m actually pregnant 🙂 I took the test, then took a few follow ups, and when I had my first big bout of morning sickness, it was all confirmed. We are really, actually having a baby!
2. I recognized the blessing of new life. I was driving in the car when an intense emotion of gratitude overwhelmed me, and I realized that not only was I carrying my child, but I understood that since every baby is a gift from God, I am also carrying His child. Right then and there, I committed my life to raising this child to know Him fully, to love Him wholly, and to be surrounded by people who honor Him completely.
3. I realized that she would kiss our baby before sending them down ❤ If you go back to a post a wrote several years ago after my grandmother passed, you’ll read a line when I said “and keep kissing our babies on their way down to us.” I’ve been so blessed with the joy of having nieces and a nephew, and I always imagined my grandmother in Heaven with Jesus looking at them and kissing them before they begin life here on earth. When I realized that she would be doing this with my baby, I had a really special moment in prayer, and I asked God to make sure she knew.
4. I realized what it means to be “ready.” For 3 years, I’ve been aware of a small gap in my heart. I’ve certainly noticed the empty room in our house, the one that we always knew would be used for a nursery. And for the last 2 years really, I’ve yearned for a baby. The desire has grown with such passion, and although I thought I was ready then, I know I am ready now. I see God’s gracious timing. He could have given me exactly what I wanted 3 years ago or even 2 years ago, but instead, He chose to grow me. He has spent the last 3 years preparing me to become ready for something that I only thought I was ready for, and now… we are here. We are ready, and God’s timing is perfect.
5. I realized that I know what joy is. I have a great life. I’m surrounded by great people, and I am usually really happy. Aside from some struggles with anxiety and processing healing from past wounds, I really don’t have much that I could complain about. I sat there last week, and it was as though nothing else mattered. The world is turning. Everyone’s lives are happening, and I am just here, filled with joy, and I’m confident. I don’t know how, but I’m so confident right now. I trust God more than ever, and I believe that He is guiding my steps, so I’m walking in pure, authentic confidence right now.
These last few days have felt like weeks, as I have held onto the sweetest secret I’ve ever kept. Thankfully, Ryan is walking perfectly alongside me keeping all baby talk on the down low, as well. I didn’t know this time period existed. I didn’t know that there would be this precious period of time between knowing and sharing, where Ryan and I would just gaze into each others eyes completely in love and undeniably in awe of what our future holds. I think my best memory so far in this journey is the moment when I told him. I’ve never seen him that happy before. We came home from church that day, and I prepared dinner for him, with a card ready to go after we finished eating. When he read the card, he started to smile, and almost in disbelief, he asked if this was really happening for us. As I nodded my head, he burst into tears and uttered the words “I love you so much. God’s timing is so perfect.” Getting to do this with the person I love more than life itself is really cool. I’m constantly reminded of how blessed I am to be married to my best friend. He is going to be a really great dad, I can already tell.
Navigating pregnancy and motherhood is something I have patiently waited for, and God has graciously held my hand and even wiped a few tears in the process. I give absolutely all the glory to Him for this incredible miracle of life. It’s the kind of thing where I just think, “if you only knew… if you only knew what all God did to make this miracle happen”… and I know there are so many women who have experienced this same feeling of mercy and grace. I also know there are women who are still waiting, and to you, I say it’s okay to feel, and it’s okay to cry. Keep you eyes focused on the Lord, and He will never allow you to go through more than you can handle. He wants only good things for us, even though He knows that human experience is guaranteed some bad ones too. I pray for you, like you may have prayed for someone like me at one time.
I’m not sure yet how much sharing I’ll be doing when it comes to blogging and social media. I always knew I would want to share my first week ponderings, and I claimed this day in victory long ago, long before I ever knew I was expecting. I continue to claim victory for this baby, a chosen child of God, and I believe that this baby’s steps are already ordered by the Lord. I confidently proclaim God’s goodness forever.
xoxo – the Wife, and now the Mama