I played that game for a long time. Numbers on the scale. Numbers on the measuring tape. Numbers on my clothes. Numbers in my food. The calories. The carbs. The sugars. Counting all day long… And yet none of those numbers told the story of who I am, what my character is like, how dedicated I am, or even how healthy I am.

 

My time hop showed me a picture of what I looked like 1 year ago today, and it made me sad. I was about 20 pounds lighter, a heck of a lot thinner, and I could easily count my ribs… but I wasn’t happy. I was obsessed with the idea that the numbers meant success, and I ignored that my numbers weren’t healthy.

 

 

I’m tracking my progress a little different this go around, measuring muscle mass and body fat instead of clothing sizes & calorie counts.

 

It’s not easy. I still look at a bowl of grapes and guesstimate how many calories are in them before choosing to eat them, but I’m getting there. It’s progress not perfection.

 

It’s being healthy, not as skinny as I can possibly be.

 

The numbers game has been my game of choice for well over 10 years now, and I’ve finally thrown in the towel. Again, it’s not easy. And that’s why having a support group and a fitness/health mentor are so good for me. I need people in my circle who understand my struggle isn’t eating all the snacks, it’s hiding all the snacks and pretending like I ate them.

 

I’m about the most disciplined person I know when it comes to fitness routines and showing up in the gym or giving it my all with a diet, and I had to break that. It sounds weird, but I had to stop requiring myself to “go all in” because I was giving more than I had to give. It was counter productive.

 

 

I look at this picture, one year later, 20 pounds heavier, and it makes me happy.

 

I was so happy in this moment. I felt really pretty, and though that’s not the most important thing in the world, it still matters. I posted my one year ago pic on my story this morning as a reminder that what you see on the outside is not always a pure reflection of what’s happening on the inside.

 

I like this “me” better.

 

This me is strong. She is healthy. She is aware. She is pure, and she is happy. She is authentic. She is still disciplined. And she is able to see the bigger picture.

 

If you have ever “struggled with your weight” or your size, or numbers or food, I feel you. I struggled with all of those things. And even though my struggle may not look like your struggle, I still feel you.

 

Numbers are hard. Body image is hard. Mirrors are confusing and measurements suck.

 

The numbers game is a losing mans game. You only win by walking away, and that’s what I’m challenging you to do. Forfeit. Quit. Give it up already. Throw the scale out the window if you have to. Be done with it all.

 

And then start a new journey. Find a way to love your body, care for your body, and improve the health of your mind and your body.

 

For me, that looked like being completely transparent and open about all my secrets with food. I did this publicly a few months ago, and I’ve done it more privately with some of my close friends, my family, a personal trainer and fitness coach. I needed “my people” to know what was going on so they could help me. They hold me accountable. They ask the right questions. And they avoid the wrong ones. We check in regularly, and that works for me. Nobody forces me to do anything, and I still get to be in control of my life, which if you’ve read my previous posts on this topic is kind of a big deal to me.

 

So, let me encourage you. From someone who gets how hard it is to completely change your entire way of thinking, I understand how scary this is. I understand the desire to hard eye roll and move on to something that feels better to read. I also understand that a tiny part of you wants this. You want to be free from the bondage of numbers. It’s natural. Nobody likes being held captive, and that doesn’t have to be your reality any longer.

 

I’m here to chat if you want someone to talk to. Leave a comment below, or shoot me an email if it’s too personal for the whole internet to read. And if I’m not the right person to connect with, find someone else. Get a mentor. Find a friend. And connect.

 

Love you guys. Thanks for always being so kind when I share these parts of my story. I’m so blessed to have a “safe space” on this blog. Hoping it can be your safe space too 💛

 

– the Wife