Good morning, (well, afternoon now)
I’m writing this post as I prepare for a follow-up visit to my family doctor in regards to some testing I had done a little over a week ago. I chose the title for this post before knowing the results of my exams because I believe in a powerful God, and I have been praying with an expectancy that regardless of what the doctor says, my God, the Ultimate Healer, would take care of me.
This stressful, nerve-wracking journey began at the end of March when I went in for my annual checkup. It was definitely one of those Expectation vs. Reality scenarios. I’m 26, pretty healthy, I feel good, and I had no reason to believe my doctor would think or suggest otherwise. My expectation was that she would tell me the usual: you’re anemic with low iron, keep eating healthy, and see ya in a year. But, my reality was a little different… She said you’re anemic with low iron, you’re at risk for a Vitamin D deficiency, and you have 3 lumps that need to be checked immediately. The first two statements were no big deal, but that third thing she said, yeah… that one got my attention. Take your vitamins, kids. That’s one I’m used to… but let’s get you tested for something that might not be so easy to fix, that didn’t really sit well with me.
So, I did what I think anyone would do if their mom was still with them, and I got in the car and made the phone call. I asked her very detailed questions about family history, and I kinda heard what she was saying, but I also kinda didn’t hear anything other than you have 3 lumps that need to be checked. My mom was great, and her response was really encouraging. I think my silence and lack of conversation let her know that even though I was saying I was fine, I was not feeling fine about this news.
Fast forward two weeks to my exam, and what do you know, one of my best friends just so happened to be in town on this exact day. Talk about God’s perfect timing for a spontaneous visit from a friend… My bestie from College and roommate for over 3 years was up from Virginia visiting me. Up to this point, I had only told my parents and my husband, and we had an agreement not to discuss it with eachother or anyone else for that matter. Something about thinking about it made it seem real, and I just didn’t see the point in getting all worked up over something I wasn’t even sure I should be worrying about. And to be completely honest, aside from a quick “God, please don’t let this be bad”, I hadn’t really spent much time in prayer over it. I allowed this to become an out of sight, out of mind scenario.
The night before, I told my friend about the appointment, and she was totally cool with it and super supportive. The morning of the appointment, all the nerves rushed in, and sorry for the next part… but I found myself bent over the toilet tossing all of my cookies… A heat wave rushed over me, and I was instantly sweating from head to toe. After about 60 seconds, I felt completelyfine. My friend was there for all of it, and I could see the concern in her eyes. I kinda laughed and said Well, that was weird… but I feel better, so let’s go do this thing. It was like the nerves I had been avoiding just came through all at one moment… honestly, it kinda worked out. I’d rather be super freaked out for 2 minutes than all unnerved for 2 weeks in anticipation of this exam.
Before I knew it, I found myself in the exam room wearing a ridiculous hospital gown and being introduced to an incredibly kind technician. She was really sweet and explained how everything worked, including that I would not have my results from the exam until the end of the next week. (i.e. MORE WAITING!) The whole process took about 30-40 minutes. I’m not gonna lie… it was awkward, but we pushed through and got it done. Having a psychology-focused mindset, I found myself analyzing her every move and facial expression during the exam… and of course, if she stopped smiling for even a blip of a moment, I thought the worst. But other than over-analyzing her reaction to me and my lumps, the exam seemed fine. She couldn’t tell me anything about my results, but she encouraged me to book another appointment with my family doctor to review the results asap.
From the beginning of this journey up to this point after the exam, I had been generally calm. I had an honest peace about everything, and I rarely spent a minute worrying about it. Aside from the little morning jitters the day of the exam, I thought I had been handling it like a champ. After the exam though, everything changed.
It was suddenly all I could think about, and even though I was sticking to the narrative that I was fineand not nervous and believed everything would be fine, I was completely not fineand freaking out on the inside. Having Katie there was like gold. She can read my mind, and she was great at keeping me positive and distracted with coffee shop visits and much-needed gelato 🙂 That night, her flight took her back to her home, and I found myself in the midst of every worst case scenario because I turned to Web MD instead of my friends, my family or God.
Remembering that I had not told anyone, I started feeling like I needed to tell another friend because I was starting to believe I really needed prayer over this. Even though I didn’t have results yet, I just was so unnerved, and I need prayer over my faith. I sent my other friend a text (the same one who had been texting me how are you? for the past week), and I started it with “Quick thing…” but as I typed, the text turned into one of those notes that you have to manually open when it comes through… yeah, quick thing my bum… I just kinda let it all out. I was super transparent about how I believed that God would take care of me, and I told her how ashamed I was for being so nervous. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it, but then I reeeeeally talked about it and went on and on. She was great, just like Katie, just like my mom, and just like Ryan. She was exactly what I needed at that moment.
So, it’s been 3 weeks since I was told that I have lumps in my breasts. It’s been 1 week since I had my exam, and in just a few hours, I’ll know what all of this means.
The past 3 weeks have been very trying on my spirit. As a Christian, I know I’m supposed to trust God in everything, and even though I’ve been super nervous in this last week, I think I’ve been trusting Him. It’s funny though… I’ve never been good at doing steady, daily devotionals, but just the idea that something might be wrong with me and I’m back in the Word, reading books and jamming to my Jesus tunes 100% of the time. Usually, I’ll read a little here and a little there, and I’ll mix in some Elevation Worship to my daily playlist, but this last week especially, it’s been non-stop. I have to tell you this: I still have peace even though I’m nervous.And I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if it means I’m super connected to God right now, and He’s giving me the peace to overcome something, or if it means, I’m fine, and He’s letting me know that through this sense of peace. Regardless, my thought from the very beginning of this journey has remained… No matter what the doctor tells me today, God’s going to take care of me.
I can’t end my post like this though… I’m pressing “Save“, and I’ll pick back up and share the results before I press “Publish“.
As I write this next part, I’m fighting the urge to change the title of this post to Expectation vs. Reality because yet again, my expectation was very different from my reality. This time though, I’m thanking God because as I planned for the worst and hoped for the best, and the news from the doctor was much greater than I had expected.
While 2 of the 3 lumps were just swollen glands, that left us with 1 being a cyst. However, they are saying it’s too small to even do a biopsy, and it has been ruled as benign. This news is like music to my ears! I’m all in the clear, and I’m so grateful for it.
You may be reading this and thinking I’m ridiculous for writing about the experience of learning I do not, in fact, have a disease or cancer. But it’s not ridiculous because during the 3 week waiting period of fearing the worst, I kept searching for blog posts and articles from women who had a success story. In my search, there were little to no positively written resources for ladies in waiting. So this is that post.
If you are in a period of waiting for test results that could either be the worst case scenario or the best by being that you’re happy and healthy, if that’s you, then know that the happy healthy news is a possibility. Also, if you’re in this scenario and feel ridiculous for being scared, stop it. Fear doesn’t always mean a lack of faith. I was scared of my results with a peace that no matter what, God would take care of me. That doesn’t mean my faith was lacking, and if you’re afraid, it doesn’t mean yours is either. It just means your human. Here’s to all the women who are waiting for results and hoping for the best, may you have the same peace that God granted me, and may your results be that you are happy and healthy.
– the Wife
Actual footage of me celebrating my results with a Chocolate Croissant and a Hazelnut Bianco Latte from Starbucks Reserve. ❤️